Back in 10th grade, me and a few friends (including our own Junior) sat in the back of our Honors Global class (nbd) and drafted former world leaders. Then, with my roster, I would put together a starting lineup and name my starting pitcher. I know what you’re thinking and yes, I was really cool in high school.
Anyways as time went by, I would do this on my own to kill time during classes throughout high school and college. I’d make lineups for cartoon characters, reality TV stars, NBA players, a lot of things. In college, I even started writing a little one or two line scouting report on each player on my team. I really had no life, it was great. Anyways, last night as I was walking with my lady friend (yes despite this, I do actually have a lady friend), we started talking about the most evil Disney Villains and since then I’ve been thinking about who would be in my starting lineup out of the Disney Villains.
- Scar (Lion King), Center Field – I can’t think of anyone better to patrol center field. Speed, elusiveness, with a thirst for power, not to mention the perfect table setter at the top of the order. Don’t overlook his strength either; remember when he held Mufasa, a full sized lion up on the cliff before flinging him off?
- Sid Phillips (Toy Story), Second Base – Small, but scrappy and an attitude that won’t quit. Sid may not have the physical tools, but he’ll grind pitchers and get in their head when he gets on base. He’s your perfect prototypical number 2 hitter. A Dustin Pedroia type.
- Shan Yu (Mulan), Third Base – This guy is an absolute unit. He’s literally like eight feel tall, but moves like a gazelle. At the hot corner, you need quick reactions and instincts, and Shan Yu shows his high IQ when when he can tell the exact location of where a doll came from by simply smelling it. Shan Yu’s power also may be unmatched as he can undoubtedly hit a ball over 700 feet. Take a look at his highlight reel:
4. Jafar (Aladdin), First Base –
Jafar has a long frame that’s perfect for first base. The way he handles that cobra staff tells me that he can swing like Joey Votto and pick it look Anthony Rizzo. Look for Jafar to drive the gap and maybe flash the leather with some gold glove caliber defense.
5. Gaston (Beauty and the Beast), Shortstop – Gaston parallels nicely to a healthy Corey Seager. He probably has the most athletic frame of the Disney Villains. He has some high upside at the plate with his clear power potential. Defensively, he’s got great range and is a born leader which is evident when he rounds up the entire town to kill the beast. And check out that chest hair.
6. Captain Hook (Peter Pan), Left Field – Now I know what you’re thinking; he has a hook for a hand, wouldn’t that hinder his ability? The answer is simple – no. He’ll just unscrew the hook and put a glove on his off hand. When he’s at the plate, he’ll screw a bat onto his hand. Don’t let a little hook hand overshadow an otherwise athletic specimen.
7. Evil Queen (Snow White), DH –
Talk about power. This bitch can absolutely swing it, but would be a bit of a liability in the field. She steps to the plate with one thought in her mind; drop bombs. Think of her like a young Travis Hafner.
8. Ursula (Little Mermaid), Catcher –
Ursula is built like a catcher, much like Ham Porter from The Sandlot. Defensively, she’ll be pretty strong behind the plate considering she has eight arms and a wide frame, and while she can swing the bat a little, her speed probably suffers a bit. And another thing; I bet her trash talk behind the plate is unparalleled.
9. Shere Khan (Jungle Book), Right Field – Maybe one of the less known villains, but great speed and almost a lesser Scar actually. He’s a perfect nine hitter to turn the order over for you and possess great speed and a good arm in right field.
Starting Pitcher: Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty) – For my money, the most evil and sinister Disney Villain there ever was. She has the Max Scherzer attitude on the hill
except she also has no remorse for murder. Don’t piss her off because she’ll put one right in your earhole and probably end up killing you. Maleficent can touch triple digits with an absolutely deadly breaking ball. If you’re unfamiliar with maleficent, watch this scene that actually gave me nightmares as a child:
Closer: Hades (Hercules) – Hades has the fires of hell on his side when he comes pumping gas out of the bullpen. Enough said.
Solid lineup. They don’t lose.
**Cruella De-Vil does not make the roster because even though all these characters are incredibly evil, De-Vil wanted to kill and skin puppies and even these guys aren’t that evil.