Well guys, we made it. We made it the 214 days from Super Bowl LII to the start of the 2018 season!!

chicago cubs nlds game 5 GIF by MLB

Truthfully this Week 1 felt like it came and went faster than a Rick Pitino in an Italian restaurant. So to help, I recapped all 16 games, from Thursday to Monday – a ritual I intend on doing every single week this NFL season.

Goodell bless and enjoy!

EAGLES 18, Falcons 12
If we’re being totally honest, I was at a rehearsal dinner IN PHILLY for a wedding and missed this game entirely… Fuck the Eagles.

JAGUARS 20, Giants 15
There definitely are a lot of positive feelings out of Giants camp that Saquon is “the real deal” and all… But more seriously, if you take away his one big run (a vintage, “Oh no!! No! NOO!!! Oh shit, go! Go!! GOOOO!!“), he averaged like 2 yards per carry. The O-Line did not look great, but I guess it was against one of the best defenses in the league. At the end of the day though, Ereck Flowers is pure garbage, which I’ve now been saying forever.

RAVENS 47, Bills 3
The Bills are an absolute joke. They made the playoffs last year, only to trade away the QB who took them there, in favor of their former 5th round guy, who in his NFL debut threw 5 picks in a half… So how did that go? Well, take a look at the QB stat-line, right after their rookie Josh Allen came in to replace their CLEARLY trash starter:

BROWNS 21, Steelers 21
The Browns won this game 21 to 21… Sure it was a tie, but a NON-LOSS is a what people in Cleveland call a win!

BENGALS 34, Colts 21
Are the Colts ever gonna be good? I mean, this Bengals team scored the 7th fewest points in 2017, and yet here they are dumping 34 points on the Colts in Week 1?! Side-note, Andrew Luck is healthy and threw the ball FIFTY THREE times, so it seems like we get to look forward to the Colts HEAVILY relying on him to try everything to win. Buckle up Colts fans!

DOLPHINS 27, Titans 20
Marcus Mariota got me less than 2 fantasy points. Beyond that, I had zero interest in this game. God damnit Mariota…

VIKINGS 24, 49ers 16
WOOOOOWW!!!! Who’d have thunk that Jimmy G’s winning streak would ever be snapped?! Talk about a shift of powers in the NFC (just kidding, but Minnesota still looking strong)!!

PATRIOTS 27, Texans 20
I mean, of course the Pats were going to win, right? Is this even worth talking about?

BUCCANEERS 48, Saints 40
FITZ-FREAKING-MAGIC!! Looks like all he needs is no one to believe in him and he goes out there and just lights it up… God, I forgot how much I loved this guy.

CHIEFS 38, Chargers 28
Phillips Rivers is legit playing for a team that will lose at all costs. Yes, they faced a good Chiefs team and the Mahomes/Hill connection is going to be electric this year, but Rivers is just never going to win. Hey, it’s the life he chose when he didn’t even try to veto his trade from New York to San Diego on draft night (like Eli probably would have if the tables were turned).

BRONCOS 27, Seahawks 24
I mean, as bad as it is that Case Keenum threw three picks in his Denver debut, Von Miller is so good it won’t matter… Two forced fumbles?! Guy is a freak. Also, if this game is any indicator looks like Russell is going to be running around a lot again because his O-line is trash… Again!

REDSKINS 26, Cardinals 6
Alex Smith is looking STRONG in Washington… And David Johnson making all those fantasy owners (myself included) who took him sweat a little bit.

PANTHERS 16, Cowboys 8
Good to see that the Cowboys at least suck… Even better to see Dez out there DUMPING salt in the wounds:

PACKERS 24, Bears 23
Look, I never had anything against the Packers, ever! Always was a Farve guy, I even like Rodgers! But when he left this game with a leg injury and got carted off… Only to return?! ALL of my “Fuck Paul Pierce and his whole ‘getting wheeled off in a wheelchair bullshit only to come back and dominate’ feelings” came rushing back.

JETS 48, Lions 17
That was the most fun I had watching a Jets game since we beat the Patriots in 2011.” – An actual quote from a co-worker (NYJ fan).

Sam Darnold looked like the absolute REAL DEAL you know, after throwing a pick six on his first pass and Jets fans deserve to be WILDLY excited. They own New York now, right?

Sam Darnold Lady Liberty Statue of Liberty NYC New York City Jets.PNG

Just kidding. Stafford threw a million picks so it’s tough to say if the Jets are really good, or if Detroit is just going to be a dumpster fire this year… And hey, I don’t want to kill Jets fans fun or anything, but the Jets getting overly excited for their young USC quarterback?? Sounds all too familiar for me…

RAMS 33, Raiders 13
Gruden said after the game that his Raiders had a tough time getting to Jared Goff… It’s a shame that those two future first round picks and all the cap space they saved by not having to resign Khalil Mack didn’t get more pressure on him!! REAL SHAME!!

See you next week with a STRIKINGLY similar recap… But maybe we’ll have a Giants’ win (eyes emoji’s at the TERRIBLE 2018 Cowboys).