As you may remember from tenth grade global studies, the magnificent mustached bastard Franz Ferdinand was the Archduke of Austro-Hungary back in the early 1900’s.  He was also the guy that was shot by a 19-year-old Serbian revolutionist in an incident that most historians agree was the catalyst to World War I commencing.  So what would have happened if he was never shot?

Before we delve into this, I’d like to point out that this (possible series of) blog(s) is a huge “fuck you” to one of my college professors who said “as a historian, you can’t ask what would have happened because it didn’t happen.”  Some may call me the “Bad Boy” of history, and that’s okay.  Personally, I don’t consider myself a historian so no harm no foul.

Anyways, what would have happened if Franz didn’t get capped in Sarajevo on June 28th, 1914?  Well in fact, a few things could have happened.

WWI Would Have Never Happened – This is the common thought, but based on everything we know about history, this seems like the least likely outcome.  Eastern Europe was so fucking pissed at each other during this time.  It was like if you were the only guy in a family of six and the five girls were PMSing bad. dwight.gif

Every little thing pissed each other off.  If Ferdinand didn’t get shot, it wouldn’t change the fact that the Serbians felt like they were getting hosed by the Austro-Hungarians.  And of course by “hosed,” I mean “getting Bosnia annexed from them among other things they felt were unfair.”

So eventually even if Gavrilo Princip missed the shot and Franz Ferdinand lived, chances are tempers would have eventually boiled over.  On top of that the Ottoman Empire was crumbling at the seams during that time and what’s there a lot of in the Ottoman Empire?  Oh yeah, oil.  So let’s say the Ottoman Empire finally falls, you think nobody is going to try and go in and take that land?  You kidding me?  That in and of itself would cause a World War!

WWII Would Have Never Happened – Now this one is interesting.  Think about it for a second; what was a major component of Hitler and the German’s getting pissed off?  The Treaty of Versailles which required Germany to basically take all the blame of WWI.  So if WWI doesn’t happen, the Treaty of Versailles doesn’t happen.  Just like if Ross and Rachel never went on a date, Ross would never have had to take full responsibility of their relationship ending.

Now this obviously begs the question of what would happen to Hitler?  Would he still become the raging asshole he eventually became?  Well I’m a big Hitler Theory guy and I’ve heard them all.  He was actually Jewish.  He was gay.  I even heard one that Hitler was actually a woman.

hitler woman.jpg

Well interestingly enough, studies have shown that Hitler had both Jewish and African ancestry.  I mean he could have been anything, he just wasn’t Aryan.  Why does this matter?  I don’t know, to be honest.  I guess the point I’m trying to make is that Hitler was just a fucked up guy for a multitude of reasons.  So chances are he would have done some bad things in his life.  Now if Ferdinand doesn’t get shot, WWI doesn’t happen, and then the Treaty of Versailles isn’t signed, can Hitler rally the troops to exterminate an entire race the way he did?  I would guess not.  Like I said, the people of Germany were pissed and were looking for reasons to wreck havoc.  Hitler rounded everyone up and gave them a reason to unite after World War I.

Franz Ferdinand Would Have Had More Kids – This has probably zero historical significance, but facts are Franz Ferdinand wasn’t the only person shot that day.  HIs wife was, too.  So if they don’t get shot, they’re probably going home for a roll in the hay and to produce a few more little Ferdinands.

Most Importantly, Franz Ferdinand, The Band Would Never Have Made The Song “Take Me Out.”

If Ferdinand never gets murdered, he’s not a household name and maybe the band Franz Ferdinand calls themselves “Charming Buttholes” or something and never makes this absolute jam from the early 2000’s.  And that, my friends would be the real shame.