I want to preface this blog by saying that I’m a HUGE Apple guy. I departed from those poor people Android shit bricks back in college when my phone kept saying it had no storage, even though I had erased every piece of content that meant something to me. From that day forward, I swore I would never go back. Hell, I even went on to learn how to develop iOS apps and it made me love Saint Steve Jobs even more.


Being the Apple fanboy and #nerd I am, I get very excited for the yearly software update. I watched the WWDC Keynote (Worldwide Developers Conference, no big deal) back in June and thought “meh okay iOS 12 looks okay.” Well fast forward to today, it is finally available and of course I downloaded it immediately — fuck bugs, I ain’t scared of them. But wouldn’t you know it, not a lot changed.

Sure, there are a few things that look slightly different but I knew there HAD to be more. So I do what I always do and Google new iOS features. I know it sounds dumb but they don’t tell you about some of the coolest features! They just bury them and hope you find them. For example, screen recording and easy wifi sharing on iOS 11 — had to read “iOS 11 Life Hacks” to find that shit even though it should have been headline news! But to my dismay, there was nothing cool on iOS12!

The three main updates are Screen Time, Siri Shortcuts, and Memojis. That’s it. Those three things are what Apple chose to build their software release around. Screen Time tells me how much I’m addicted to my phone so I’ll obviously never look at that. Siri Shortcuts could be cool, but it involves a lot of work on my end to set up and think of the shit I want automated (what a burden in 2018). And Memojis, which are dope-ass animojis that look like you are only available on iPhone X and above! I guess that last one is on me for being a poor and having an iPhone 8.

I’ll defend Apple until the day I die — I’ve tried using those pieces of garbage that Samsung and Google roll out and I’m not sure how people don’t blow their brains out. But man am I disappointed in this release. I can’t wait until Steve Jobs comes back from his vacation in Argentina and choke slams that fraud Tim Cook into a pile of green text message bubbles!