🚨New Series Alert!🚨

I find the weird gimmicks that food/drink businesses put out there to be wildly entertaining. Sometimes it’s a “wow that’s a really good idea” kind of entertaining and probably more often, it’s a “holy shit who thought this was a good idea” mixed with a “what kind of asshole would buy this?” kind of entertaining. So I decided it might be a good idea to do my civic duty and try out these gimmicks and tell you whether or not it’s worth it.*

And so for the inaugural Gimmick Review, I present….the Witch’s Brew Frappuccino

Let me start with a little background between the old Sbucks and myself. When I was in college, I was dating a girl who really liked Starbucks so we would go there all the time and I eventually became a full blown Starbucks addict. And I’m not just talking a nice black coffee — I was ordering Frappuccinos, lattes, the whole nine yards. After our romance ended, I stopped going because I just didn’t have a reason to anymore. So now every time I go back to Starbucks, I remember the good ol days of ordering all of the weird shit on the menu and slurping it down in less than 5 minutes and I get giddy. I drink my everyday coffee black LIKE A MAN so Starbucks is just a time where I can really let loose and pump my veins full of coffee flavored sugar milk.

That being said, talk about looking like a Goddamn asshole when you order this thing. I had anxiety the entire time in the drive thru and actually asked the lady through the speaker if I could have a minute, as I was fully pondering what I was about to do. All my years of ordering grande mocha cookie crumble fraps and iced caramel macchiatos couldn’t prepare me for uttering the words “one grande Witch’s Brew please.” Yeah I got a grande because I forgot “tall” was the smallest size, whatever. Been out of the game too long.

When the lady handed it to me, I was actually excited to see what this concoction was — I was really hoping for grape flavoring. But upon my first sip, I was wildly disappointed. It has a citrus-y taste to it and there were some weird jelly seeds in there for creepy effect I guess? After that first sip, I really started to wonder if I could drink the entire thing. It was like someone dumped candy into your coffee — you could still taste coffee but then on top of that, there was like an overly sweet taste. And I’m not talking sweet as in the coffee had cream and sugar, I’m talking a jolly rancher type of sweet. Just super weird.

The entire way home, I was trying to figure out what it tasted like. Lemon? No. Lime? Maybe but not quite. Turns out it was orange, which is just a huge mind fuck when drinking something purple. And those jelly seed things? (yeah I looked it up) Chia seeds. Get the fuck outta here. The only saving grace of this monstrosity was the whipped cream at the end, which is the best part of any Starbucks treat.

So what’s the final verdict? Thumbs down for sure. Not something I would ever get again and I can’t imagine people actually enjoy drinking this thing. If you want to get one for the laffs/just to try it, I recommend the tall lest you get a billion cavities.

Hit me up on Twitter with recommendations of other gimmicks I need to try.

  —@WCS_Junior

*True be told, I’m just a sucker for gimmicks — a great target for these advertisers — and this is just giving me an excuse to try them and not feel like a total loser.