I go to my friend’s party last Independence Day and I was flying solo without radar (e.g. I only knew the host). So, I go into the party with a game plan. If the convo gets stale, I’ll use my mayday line: “Hey, you think Flo-Rida is the new Mr. Worldwide?” I thought it was a flawless plan that will accomplish (1) establishing me firmly into the non-weirdo group at the party, and (2) avoiding slipping into some emotional conversation about family members or some bullshit.

I get to the party and it’s clear I’m going to have to pull out the line because there are fucking weirdos everywhere, but also a couple pretty hot chicks. I casually get into the BBQ line, didn’t charge it too hard, but I also hadn’t said hi to anyone yet. I get a burger, put on my lettuce, tomato and onion; and as I’m about to reach for the ketchup, some guy goes, “Have you tried the Aoli Sauce? It’s amazing you gotta try it.


I thought I misheard him: did he just say Aoli Sauce? That’s disgusting. I love the female body but I can’t get into that… But I also can’t have my first interaction at this party be a negative interaction. I would need to spend the next 20 minutes making it up to this guy by talking about how his friend looks like John Cusack. So, I put the aioli sauce on my burger, and it blew my mind.

My tongue was thrust into a time warp back to when our salty, sweet, sour, and bitter taste buds took over the unami and banished it for life. I didn’t know my tongue yearned for such a taste. The imperial gustation rule was lifted and the Unami People were freed.

I decided to abandon my first mayday line for my new line: “So do you know how they actually make aoli sauce (while pointing to where I think the aoli is located).” This, for some reason, did NOT go over well. I mostly got politely boxed out of the convo circles, but one woman said, “What the fuck are you talking about?

So here I am wondering… I know there’s an aoli and I know there’s a sauce, but what lies between may be slightly illegal. Either way, I will always get the aoli sauce now.



T. Chez