You’re probably at the office today, punching numbers into an excel sheet or something, and maybe even using a pencil to do some math by hand. Would it interest you to know that the very pencil you’re holding right now is basically a Swiss Army Knife? Pencils are so versatile and right here, right now, we are going to break down the Top Ten Ways to Use a Pencil.
10. Take The Eraser Off And Sharpen The Other Side So You Have Two Pencils
Not one, but TWO pencils that write the exact same color and the exact same way. Only one more pencil to go before you can reach world domination.
9. Chew It
Nothing like chewing a pencil. The soft wood used to make a pencil is perfect for chewing. In fact, the CIA and FBI have used teeth imprints from pencils to track down some of the most dangerous terrorists to ever live.
8. Wave The Pencil Really Fast So It Looks Like The Pencil Is Rubber
Hey here’s a question for you; how many times did you get laid in 2018? Zero? Oh did you happen to try the rubber pencil trick when you were on your quest for pussy (or dick)? No? Well in 2019 when you’re at the bar, make sure you have a pencil with you to show off this sick magic trick. Guaranteed success.*
7. Break It With Your Head To Assert Dominance
You think anyone on that school bus wants to fuck with that kid? Think again. Bully threatens to take your lunch money? Break a pencil over your head. Wife asks you to do the dishes? Break a pencil over your head. Co-worker steals your lunch from the break room fridge? Break a pencil over your head. Want to do whatever you want, whenever you want? Break a fucking pencil over your head.
6. Scrape All The Paint Off The Pencil So You Have A Naked Pencil
Alright so if you google image “Naked Pencil” you’ll find a ton pencil drawn portraits of naked men and women.
5. Shade Drawings
Is there any other tool that allows you to shade as well as a pencil? I’m not an artists, but no, there is not.
4. Sharpen A Pencil
One of the best ways to waste time in class is to sharpen your pencil. If it’s an electric sharpener
it distracts everyone and even might kill the clock in class. If it’s one of those old fashioned ones that you crank
you get to produce a sound that can only be compared to the gears of a Model T. And if loud noises and distractions aren’t your cup of tea, then there’s no denying that feeling when you get a fresh sharpened pencil. And don’t even get me started if you’re lucky enough to get to empty the shards.
3. Get High Off The Eraser
(Note: Only the first 12 seconds are relevant to this point, but it’s a great scene)
Need an escape? Vigorously rub your eraser and smell. Careful though, people have been known to lace pencil erasers with PCP.
2. Write Things
Five years ago when we started Water Cooler Sports, it was completely hand written with pencils (citation needed). Some of the greatest writers in the history of the world used pencils to write their books. Bill Shakespeare wrote all of his plays in pencil and that’s probably not a fact! Ever heard of The Bible? The first draft was written in, you guessed it, pencil (another citation needed).
1. Start A Fire
Last I checked, pencils are made out of wood. What can you do with wood? Start fires. Have you ever vigorously rubbed an eraser (see #3) and then felt the eraser? Not only do you get SUPER high, but it’s hot. Just do that for like an hour and you’ll probably start a fire. It’s science.
Happy New Years!
*Depends on your definition of “success.”