Yesterday, we looked at the play in games and today we break down the East region.
Blue Devils (Duke) vs Bisons (North Dakota State)
Devils of any color are usually pretty evil. I don’t think that’s up for debate. However as I said yesterday, bisons are fucking beasts. Maybe I’m putting bisons on a pedestal, but I don’t think there’s a lot of things that could beat them. Besides, when I think of blue devils, I think of Hades from Hercules and that guy was a pussy. Winner: Bisons
Rams (VCU) vs Knights (UCF)
Definitely an intriguing matchup. On the one hand, you have a Ram.
Very majestic animal and certainly a tough animal, but a Knight is no slouch. A Knight usually has a sword, and worse case scenario, a Knight would probably be able to break the Rams legs and then knees-to-chest jump on its neck until it’s dead. Rams are smaller than cows, though they are feistier. Tough call, but Winner: Knights
Bulldogs (Mississippi State) vs Flames (Liberty)
As morbid as this is, I don’t think a bulldog could withstand flames. Winner: Flames
Hokies (Virginia Tech) vs Billikens (St. Louis)
Two things that I have no fucking clue what they are. *Searches google* Okay so a hokie is a rooster that’s absolutely shredded.
And this is a billiken:Winner: Hokies
Bruins (Belmont) vs Terrapins (Maryland)
Bears vs turtles. This one is easy. Winner: Bruins
Tigers (LSU) vs Bulldogs (Yale)
I love bulldogs and everything, but boy did they get a tough draw. First they have to go agains flames, and now they have to go against tigers. Winner: Tigers
Cardinals (Louisville) vs Golden Gophers (Minnesota)
The wildcard here is that the gophers are golden. If they were just regular gophers, I don’t think they stand much of a chance. But this battle will likely be your quintessential cat-and-mouse game. Cardinal will flutter down and attack, gopher will burrow back into their hole. This will probably go on for hours, maybe even days, but eventually I think the cardinal breaks first. If the cardinal goes down into the gopher hole, they’re dead. And if they just keep flying back and forth, they’ll eventually die. The gopher will hold serve and make the cardinal play on their level. Winner: Golden Gophers
Spartans (Michigan State) vs Braves (Bradley)
So I don’t know if Bradley is transitioning from the Braves to the Gargoyles, but their official mascot is “Kaboom the Gargoyle.” Gargoyles are some of the most overrated creatures that have ever existed. Spartans, on the other hand, were killing machines. They were trained from birth to be the fiercest of the fierce warriors. Spartans kick the shit of gargoyles or braves. Winner: Spartans
Let’s move to the Round of 32
Bisons (NDSU) vs Knights (UCF)
It’s no secret how tough I think bisons are. But the Knights do have some experience in fighting animals in their last matchup against Rams. But man, if you got a pack of thesegoing up against a bunch of dudes dressed like thisI think you got to like the bisons in this matchup. Winner: Bisons
Flames (Liberty) vs Hokies (Va Tech)
Sure flames are absolutely deadly to land animals like the bulldog, but a hokie has wings and can theoretically fly and outlast the flames. Honestly a really tough break for flames. They win agains just about any land animal, but are unfortunately matched up with a bird. In what’s probably a bit of an upset, Winner: Hokies
Tigers (LSU) vs Bruins (Belmont) Here we just have a good old fashioned heavy weight matchup. Tigers and bears. Two of the three things that caused Dorthy to say “Oh my!” You got to give the edge in physical strength and size to the bear, but the tiger’s athleticism and elusiveness is likely superior to their bear counterpart. This is going to be a hell of a matchup and it’s probably going to come down to who wants it more. When push comes to shove though, bears hibernate and tigers do not. This makes me think that a bear may be more likely to check out during this battle. Winner: Tigers
Golden Gophers (Minnesota) vs Spartans (MSU)
In what is probably our most hilarious matchup to this point, we have gophers going head-to-head with the Spartan 300. Now maybe this could turn into one of those “100 duck sized horses” scenarios and the gophers could actually rattle the cages of the Spartans, but I wouldn’t put my money on it. Winner: Spartans
We now move to the Sweet 16.
Bison (NDSU) vs Hokies (Va Tech)
Alright so we essentially have a 900 pound beast of a creature vs a rooster. I suppose the Hokie could fly away, but the Bison isn’t going anywhere. It’s not like the flames of where they just kind of extinguish on their own. A bison will still be there and I’m sorry, hokies, but a bison will flatten you like a pancake. Winner: Bison
Tigers (LSU) vs Spartans (MSU)
I think this comes down to the road each took. The tiger had to beat a bulldog, which wasn’t that bad, but then just had to go 10 rounds with a goddamn bear. Meanwhile the Spartans just downed gargoyles/braves, and then beat up on a bunch of fucking gophers. The Spartans are still fresh at this point while the tigers are quite frankly running out of gas. Plus, I’m pretty sure Spartans used to train against tigers when they were in warrior school. Winner: Spartans
Elite 8 aka the Championship of the East Region
Bisons (NDSU) vs Spartans (MSU)
Alright so we have a unit of a species in bisons and killing machines in Spartans. I looked up “bison temperament” and it not only says they are among the “most dangerous animals in North America,” but they are incredible unpredictable and often “attack without warning or reason.” On top of that, they can also move up to 35 miles per hour. Check out this video of bisons fighting each other.
That’s the real deal. On the other hand though, we have Spartans. The greatest warriors in human history. They have spears and shields. I do think if you went one bison vs one Spartan, the Spartan has a pretty good chance. But if you have 300 bisons vs 300 Spartans, I think you have to give the slight edge to the bisons. They’re just so big. If they were all put in a fenced in pen the size of a football field, the bisons would be running at 35 miles per hour and literally running over the spartans. Sure there’d be some bison casualties, but at the end of the day, the last thing standing would probably be a bison. Regional Winner: Bisons.
Check back tomorrow for the West Region!