The 2019 NFL offseason has been wild.
I don’t know about everyone else, but NFL offseasons usually just don’t do it for me quite like the NBA’s do. The NBA is action packed, you got the lottery, you got the draft (which is awesome), free agency, summer league, drama, storylines, trade demands, etc. The NFL’s offseason just HISTORICALLY seems to not be as hot and heavy.
And after the Patriots won their 7,000th Super Bowl in the past two decades, I was definitely not prepared for an offseason like the one we’ve gotten.
Gronk retiring was teased after the Super Bowl but that fact that he actually did, was the tip of the iceberg. I mean, obviously, he’ll come back in like November and catapult the Patriots to #1 contenders again, but that seems to only add to the intrigue of his whole “retirement” spiel.
Then we were blessed with
eight weeks of the AAF (RIP already), and the reminder that Trent Richardson is really good at football and that starting a football league is really hard. OH, and it was a great reminder that people who have billions of dollars are cutthroat AND smart and that there’s a reason they’re as rich as they are.
During that great time, Johnny Football (or John Football?) came back to America, but didn’t really do anything.
The ever elite, 34-year old Joe Flacco is John Elway’s answer for his previously ever-revolving door at QB.
Russell Wilson became the highest paid player in the NFL.
— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) April 16, 2019
The New York Giants are confusing everyone with their moves (even though I am ALL on board).
Blake Bortles is now, FINALLY WHERE WE SHOULD BE, a backup.
And if I stopped there, I think we’d all be pretty satisfied – but we haven’t even gotten to the NFL Draft yet!! Where does Kyler end up? Where does Bosa end up? How about Josh Allen 2.0… who definitely looks worse in shorts than last year’s Josh Allen. Exhibit A:
Well, the draft is going to have to compete with the two following WILDLY sexual storylines, and since I’m in marketing and I know for a fact that sex sells, I’d say it has quite the uphill battle.
First, let’s talk sucking tits.
— Jezebel (@Jezebel) April 12, 2019
Ever since these two were on The League, I knew they were cool as shit.
Kristin Cavallari was a Hills legend, smokin’ Jay Cutler will ALWAYS be the GOAT, so combined they’re fantastic.
But hearing this story, and then re-imagining it, is fantastic.
Talk about dad of the year! Mom has a little tit milk backup?? Not problem!! Here comes Jay the Plumber* to clean the pipes!!
(* = Not to be confused with Jake Plummer, whose QB job Cutler won in Denver – shoutout Jake Plummer… I wonder what he’s up to nowadays? Definitely not sucking tits to the level Jay Culter is – am I right??)
I’d just like to get on record as saying, Jay Cutler not only worked his ass off for 12 seasons in the NFL to feed and provide for his family, but now he’s literally making sure his family eats by sucking the blockades out of Kristin’s boobies… Incredible.
Great work Jay!
— Yahoo News (@YahooNews) April 17, 2019
Now let’s talk about today’s news that we’ll be SEEING the Robert Kraft massage video.
If you hadn’t heard, Robert Kraft was somehow caught up in an elicit massage parlor scandal where (I believe) he got jerked off. I guess the FBI had been watching this one particular massage joint and then it got raided and his name has been absolutely dragged through the mud since then.
At first, I was confused because I thought prostitution was illegal, like I knew BEING a prostitute was illegal, but I didn’t know USING ONE was… I thought it was like weed. I thought it was okay to HAVE it, you just couldn’t SELL it**. So for him to get in trouble didn’t make any sense to me… but that is wildly besides the point.
(** = ADMISSION: I’m not sure if that’s how the law exactly works, I’ll have to speak to the many lawyers WCS has on retainer and confirm this.)
But the fact that we heard about it was one thing. The fact that we were even TEASED with a video was another. Now that we know we’re going to get to see it??
I will be on full alert on Twitter waiting for this baby to drop.
This has the potential to be the biggest sex tape drop since the Kidd Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape in 1999, but since this one is in 2019 hopefully it’s in like 4K and is crisp quality, unlike that standard definition VHS trash we got from ’99.
I for one am just riveted by all things NFL offseason thus far and these latest two are absolute dynamite.
Stay tuned on Twitter for what will ultimately be me tweeting a video of a 77-year old getting an HJ from a Japanese masseuse, I think, or maybe it’s the old chick in the picture above… OMG I CAN’T WAIT – THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!
WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!