(I wrote this about 5 months ago in the dead of winter)
I arrived in FLA for a little vacation and the conditions were perfect – it was that perfect 80 degrees that makes you question: “Why isn’t 80 degrees a right angle?”
The wind snuck beneath my bathing suit looking to tickle my manhood, only to come across a pair of balls hanging so low and so free that the wind said, “Wow, looks like our work is needed in southern Alabama.”
I set the chairs down in the perfect spot – no seaweed, slight downward pitch to the ocean, right behind a Brazilian woman and her mom. Everything was going right until my friend, who was mistakenly put on sun block duty, pulled out his SPF 4 oil spray bottle.
I took the bottle from him and sprayed my meticulously sculpted abs, only to realize that most of the bottle is gone, and half of it has landed upon the Brazilians. I thought, “what a rip off!” These kind of bottles last maybe a day at the beach, and unless the wind is blowing right, half of it dissipates into thin air. What other product do you buy in which you’re guaranteed to lose half of the product? Except JPP’s other hand…
“That’s not sun tan lotion little Timmy, that’s full on snake oil! And that’s not your dad either!”
But the lost lotion is only scratching the surface of the issues of spray lotion. What we really lose when we buy spray sun block is more than some elderly man’s eyes downwind on the beach. It is the only situation in which two platonic individuals can form a connection through touching each other.
It’s the contract in which America is founded upon – the quid pro quo – the “I’ll rub lotion on your clammy back so that the sweat and lotion turns into some sort of water color paint, if you’ll run the risk of getting my back hair caught in your finger nails.”
Where would we be, as a nation, without it?!
Human touch has scientifically been shown to reduce stress, promote happiness and encourage bonding. I believe Big Lotion (aka the Chinese) is trying to tear us apart!
Therefore, to promote a boycott on all spray suntan lotion, I declare June 19 as the first annual National #RubYourMate day.
I encourage everyone to find a mate, buy the thickest NoAd possible, and post pics of you rubbing it all over your friend, lover, brother or complete stranger’s back!
Let’s make this like the Ice Bucket Challenge. Post a pic of yourself rubbing lotion on a buddy’s back, use the hashtag #RubYourMate, challenge three friends to do the same, and if they don’t in 24 hours, they need to donate to a skin cancer charity of their choice!
Together we can take down Big Lotion and their communist backed plan to ruin this country.
All it takes is a #RubYourMate.