We’re a quarter of the way through the season, aka it’s the appropriate time for me to release this year’s Phillies Bets!
The 2019 squad has brought a mix of hope and excitement that is simmering in a pan of coconut oil – the same coconut oil that was used to fix my squeaky door, style my hair, and protect my skin from the sun & body from the measles. It’s too bad coconut oil does not prevent domestic violence!!
Without further Adu(bel beatings), below are the most exclusive baseball bets this side of the Susquehanna!
- Longest HR by Bryce Harper o/u: 469 ft
- Total Phillies wins o/u: 89.5
- Average number of pitchers used by Phillies per game: 5.5
- # of all star players on Phillies: 3.5
- During post game interviews, the number of times Gabe Kapler says some form of the word “Engage”: 1,625.5
- Months left in Sammy Sosa’s life o/u: 6
- Games played by Mike Trout in Phillies Uniform in 2019: .5
- Playoff games played by Phillies: 7
- Odubol Herrera o/u months in jail: .5
- AL Pennants won by Yankees: .5
- AL Pennants won by Astros: .5
- NL Pennants won by Phillies: .5
- Number of LBGTQ slurs Joe Buck gets caught saying on internet videos: 3.5
- Number of ELO songs that are playoffs team’s “official” anthems: 4.5
- Number of children birthed in the Greater Philadelphia with a loose connection to JD Hammer: 14.5
- Number of losses in September for Phillies: 17.5
- Self help books published by Gabe Kapler: 1.5
- Times Gabe Kapler sues Coco Crisp for copyright infringement in regards to Gabe Kapler’s 300 page Self Help book “Coco Crispin’: My Personal Journey to High T through Coconut Oil, the Sun & the Male Gonads”: 2.5
- Times Coco Crisp sues Gabe Kapler for using pictures of Coco Crisp in “Coco Crispin”: 9.5
AND lastly (but not leastly):
- The number of World Series Tiles your Philadelphia Phillies will win this season: 1
I only have $100 to my name (although the Beyond Assorted MEAT Sticks stock options I got for that spokesman spot are looking good), so MAX bets T-CHEZ Sports Book can handle is $1. Comment below to place your bets.