BREVARD COUNTY, Fla (WFLA). – A Florida man has been arrested and charged after the Palm Bay Police Department said he stole pool floats for sex “instead of raping woman.”

The Brevard Times reports Christopher Monnin,35, was stopped on Thursday around 1:30 a.m. by Palm Bay Police for acting suspiciously. 

Police say Monnin had with him a white garbage bag full of what he identified to police as deflated pool floats.

According to the Brevard Times, Monnin admitted to police that he has burglarized several houses to steal pool floats and then led police to a vacant house where a had a stash of about 75 pool floats.

Monnin told authorities that he “sexually gratifies himself” with the pool floats instead of raping women.

He was arrested and charged with burglary of an occupied dwelling, criminal mischief, and petit theft.

In one way or another, I think we’ve all been where this guy is.  No, not necessarily the “I want to bang floaties so I don’t rape women” part, but more the “this feels good when I hump this inanimate object” part.  Sure, it was when we were twelve and discovering our bodies, but don’t you sit there and tell me you never humped an object because it felt good.  You know what I’m saying.  You sit on something, and your balls (or vagina) are just resting on something instead of just hanging down and you think “oh huh this actually feels pretty good” and the next thing you know you’re kind of rocking and BAM just like that you have a boner.   It’s like American Pie.

Now to us “normal” people we would get up from where we were sitting, walk to our computer, and look at some pornographic material.  Well “35 year old” Chris Monnin instead just decided to finish the job in/on the inflatable pool toy.

Look, I’m not trying to make excuses for Chris, but we’ve all been had times where we’ve succumbed to some bad habits.  For example, before I moved in with the lady, I used to buy tubs of cookie dough and just spoon raw cookie dough into my mouth.  I knew it was probably really bad for me, but it just felt so good.  I couldn’t quit the habit.  I almost lost my house because I spent so much money on cookie dough.  That was my wakeup call.  Other people get addicted to drugs or gambling or things like that.  Chris Monnin was addicted to fucking inflatable pool toys and his addiction got so bad that he resorted to stealing.  Shit happens.

And are we just going to overlook the fact that he was doing this so that he wouldn’t rape women?  I mean the guy clearly has some issues and is a sexual deviant but having the wherewithal to recognize that if he acted on his sexual needs he would do a horrible thing, ruin lives, and get himself into a lot of trouble and instead take out his frustrations on inflatable pool toys, well I think that’s pretty impressive.

Next time you feel like you want to fuck, Chris, take a page from my favorite married couple Jon and Darla Crocker’s book and just eat a raw potato.

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