That’s right folks, it’s that time of year again!
You know, the time when the crispness of fall starts to set in, when every white girl in the world begins to become obsessed with pumpkins completely neglecting the fact that they’ve not uttered the words “pumpkin spice” more than once since the last fall, and the time of year that my weekly blogs come back with a vengeance like they’re an outbreak from the herpes you contracted at your buddy’s bachelor party in Reno back in ’15.
Ah yes, college football season is upon us, and once again we are all filled with more optimism than our childhood selves had about our fledgling sports careers, all of which would end far sooner than we believed and would become nothing more than memories talked about at the local watering hole after our eighth ice cold Bud Light. Yeah Johnny, that includes you and your “If it wasn’t for my knee injury” comments that NOBODY believes.
All jokes aside, there is nothing greater than this time of year, and nothing better than the passion and pageantry of College Football, especially when there is a slate of primetime games surely to hit the spot. So, with that all being said, let’s take a look at what we all have to look forward to tomorrow after we crack our beers and tune in to see Grandpa Corso’s smiling face.
Duke vs. 2 Alabama – 3:30 in Atlanta on ABC
LINE: Alabama -33.5 — O/U: 56.5
— #CFAKickoff (@CFAPeachBowl) August 26, 2019
Alabama and Nick Saban are rolling into this season with the crushing defeat from the National Championship game just stewing in their thoughts.
Nick Saban is the best coach of all time, but he’s also just like that girl you used to date who couldn’t seem to get over her ex. Regardless of how many times she claims to have “moved on” and that the loss was “in the past,” it’s still the only thing they think about. That’s how Saban will feel about this loss until he wins another national championship, which, unfortunately, will probably be sooner rather than later.
That said, Alabama always has these stupid huge lines to start off the year. The one’s that make you think, then re-think, then think again, then say “Aw fuck it who cares I’m throwing on them to cover because they’re Bama.” To add fuel to that fire, they are out three starters for the first half because the asshole couldn’t make it to a team meeting on time (clearly not thinking about all of the degenerate gamblers out there), and they’re out a starting linebacker and Butkus award finalist due to a knee injury.
So, maybe you should throw on Duke to cover? NOT SO FAST, MY FRIENDS! – *Corso voice*
You should roll with the tide because of the very first thing I said in this blog. No matter how many times Saban says “I don’t care about last year, I’ve moved on,” he’s going to be looking to make a statement and looking to make it early.
Alabama is going to run up the score and Tua is going to be feeding the ball to Jeudy like it’s a sleeping pill and he’s God damned insomniac. They will dominate on the front line on both sides and will pour it on those pour souls from Duke.
Thoughts and prayers for the Blue Devils they’re going to need it.
FINAL BET: ALABAMA -33.5
11 Oregon vs. 16 Auburn – 7:30 in Arlington, TX on ABC
LINE: -4 Auburn — O/U: 56
This is the biggest game of the weekend and it features one of the top NFL prospects, so of course it is happening in Jerry World to be on the biggest stage.
Justin Herbert is that prospect, and he turned down being a first-round pick to return to Oregon to finish out his senior year for his hometown Ducks and to get his biology degree, and as a part of this he gets the pleasure of playing a SEC defense in his first week…
That’s like putting in all of the groundwork for the hot girl just to decide last second that you want to get stuffed into a locker by the starting middle linebacker as he takes her away from you and they live happily ever after (aka with three shitty kids and in the trailer park down the road from your old high school).
While I think he’s an idiot for going back to Eugene, OR, this will be a very close game as Herbert will perform well when the Tigers front 7 isn’t putting him on his back, and the Auburn offense won’t be as explosive as it has been in the past few years due to them starting a true freshman quarterback in Bo Nix (even though I do think Bo is going to be a stud for them as he fits the system extremely well).
Unfortunately, this means that we will not see the Gus Bus go up and flames thereby proving what an awful coach he is and what a dumpster fire the Auburn program is in general. I think Auburn eeks one out close in this one, but I think it’s by no more than a field goal. Because of this I’m taking the points here for Oregon.
FINAL BET – OREGON +4
SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 1st
Houston at 4 Oklahoma – 7:30 on ABC
LINE: Oklahoma -23 – O/U: 80
Lincoln Riley, or as ESPN loves to call him “the quarterback whisperer,” doesn’t just rebuild at quarterback, he reloads, and does it with the best damn transfer every. single. year. It’s actually getting insane to me.
No Baker? All good, Kyler is ready to win a Heisman.
No Kyler? No worries! We’ll bring in a former SEC player of the year. Unreal.
Houston on the other hand is under the leadership of first-year coach Dana Holgorsen, the West Virginia legend and the former Houston Offensive Coordinator (who lit up the record books with Case Keenum as the quarterback). Holgorsen takes over for Major Applewhite, who had a lackluster follow up to Tom Herman’s tenure in Houston, and who was told kindly to:
I love coach Dana, and I think he is going to do great things with the Houston team, including more record-breaking, over the top scoring, types of offensive production.
Because of this, I am torn on this line. On the one hand, Oklahoma is the much better and more dominant team. They should absolutely win by 30 points over this Houston team. HOWEVA *Stephen A Voice* they also do not like to play defense, which makes me think that Houston could end up scoring a great deal of points, therefore making it tough for the Sooners to cover the 23 points needed.
My take is to stay away from this line and to lay it all on that over. Is 80 points a lot? Yeah it sure is, but Houston wants to move to the Big 12 one day, and how do they prove they belong? By playing zero defense like Oklahoma and the rest of the Big 12. That over looks great now doesn’t it?
FINAL BET: OVER 80
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 2nd:
9 Notre Dame at Louisville – 8:00 on ESPN
LINE: -19 – O/U: 54
The Cardinals and new head coach Scott Satterfield start out the year on prime time at home against a top-ten opponent. What more could you want?!
Well, maybe a decent football team that can match up against “said top-ten opponent,” rather than the empty cupboard of despair and broken dreams that Bobby Petrino left (at least this time he was fired for just being a bad coach, nothing involving motor cycles and mistresses).
The Irish on the other hand roll into Kentucky with a great young quarterback, and hungry for another run at the college football playoff. While I don’t think they’ll make it there (don’t tell my good friend Tayls please), this game will not be a problem for them.
For the first time in his career, Ian Book is coming into the season with the full confidence of the Notre Dame coaches and has undergone a training camp as the true starter. This will pay dividends for the senior, as it will allow him to truly get comfortable with his team and to reach even higher levels than before. While the defense lost some quality players like Julian love, I don’t think it will be a huge problem for them to recover, ESPECIALLY not against this Louisville team.
I don’t care how much “the Ville” is rocking, the Irish are going to win by a lot when they go through what was formerly known as “Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium.”
FINAL BET: NOTRE DAME -19
And there it is. It feels so good to be back in action and to be finally watching real football. I look forward to another wonderful year with everyone that will end in my inevitable heartbreak yet again as the Dawgs do just enough to get my hopes up before it all comes crushing down.
As always, best of luck to your teams and your wallets, and Go Dawgs!